Princesses were hefty…

Bare with me, this I’m a Celebrity thing has really wound me up. Finding out an Olympic medalist is told by the public she is over weight! Who cares she is an Olympian! Anyone can be skinny she has done something barely anyone has done.

This has to stop, am I the only women in the world entirely happy with the way I look? I spent my teenage years and a lot of my early 20’s on a diet until I have up and put my health and guess what.

NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO ME.
I am still an actress, still get roles, I am still a funny writer and still have a wonderful family. Nothing will happen if you are not a size zero.
I feel I have gone back a 100 years where women still believe the way a man views them determines their trajectory in life.

It doesn’t, and saying no to that cake will not further you in your career. I am beautiful. I embrace every tiny imperfection on my body because it is mine, it makes me who I am and it tells my story.
From the bump in my nose to the scares on my knee from a drunken fall it’s mine and I adore every part of it.

And I still can’t make my peace with the idea we are teaching people that being skinny is more of a desirably achievement then a gold medal. I feel this madness has gone so far it’s gotten to the stage where it’s become part of society and that’s truly dangerous.

Women are beautiful in so many other ways, Adel’s voice wouldn’t be any more beautiful if she were a few ponds lighter, Jo Brand wouldn’t be any funnier if she fitted into a top shop dress and your world won’t end of you don’t wear a skirt quite as well as the girl advertising it in a magazine does.

The next time you scream ‘no I shouldn’t’ I suggest you consider how you would explain your waste of food to someone starving, how would they react to ‘oh I have to let this go to waste, you see, I need to fit into these skinny jeans! Oh why? Well because this magazine told me I had to’
Just take a moment and consider how stupid these actions are. Be healthy for god sake! Don’t eat 6 cakes a day but know that saying ‘oh go on then’ once in a while and God forbid letting that gym membership go to waste isn’t going to affect your success. If anything it’s an unnecessary distraction.

I live my own fairy tale, one where Rhianna isn’t a role model, where Cinderella is a size 14 and Prince Charming loves a women with a good backside. And you know what, I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. Because something does taste far better then skinny feels, and it’s happiness.

How a conversation works

How conversations work

Now this post, I won’t name names, mainly because of how small an industry I am in and the fact it is pretty much aimed entirely at those in jobs that require a level of self belief, which as an access and writer I must say you need.

We have all however, no matter what our line of work encountered one of these people, they won’t have meant to cause the offence they have, and the main reason for that is the, some what impressive, level of self involvement.

Conversations are based around one key principle the question, response and react. Now this means, asking a question, LISTENING to the response and reacting accordingly.

Most people find the first two aspects of this quite easy to handle, there are many, that have real difficulty with the third step, in a sense that they really, only ask a question to further talk about themselves and therefore any reaction made has no real baring over what has just been said.

It’s these people that I dislike talking too. And that we all find ourselves not really minding when these conversations come to a quick and abrupt end, to save pain, effort and annoyance.

Though don’t get me wrong, I am sure some people really do listen, it’s just their lives, too them, are far more exciting to talk about so why waste time on yours.

I am the first to admit, I am dull, I knit, spend my evenings working out what historic city to visit next with my boyfriend and play noughts and crosses over text. I shoot Pinot these days not tequila, but it’s rude to assume I have nothing interesting to say. I mean, I don’t, but it’s rude to assume.

But fear not, there is an antidote to this kind of conversationalist! And it comes in two teqniques.

1. Fight fire with fire: play them at their own game, and don’t give up, no matter what they throw at you you come back fighting, because if they are gonna think you are a dick, you might as well do it properly in the vane hope they spot their behaviour and stop.

Example:

‘My nan died’
‘Oh gosh, when my nan died I was in bits’
‘My nan was cool though’
‘My nan was amazing she taught dogs too dance’
‘My nan taught dogs to perform small surgical procedures’
‘No she didn’t, my nan…’
‘MY NAN WAS A WIZARD’

2. Point out their behaviour. This won’t win you any friends, and I am not suggesting you do it in as rude a manner as I do, as this blog probably shows, I am a deeply judgemental individual. Basically at the age of 6 I decided it was much to difficult to be nice to people and actually have a lot of friends, it took valuable time away from me playing with my imaginary horse. So I pick a few people I deem inoffensive enough to keep in my life and the rest all, inevitably, turn into passing friendships. So I get away with saying what I do basically asked souly on the principle of ‘what is she like!’ And sheer honesty and fairness in what I say, I have never been needlessly mean, I just choose not to use tact in my everyday conversations. So this is for the many of you out there who also decided at whatever age that you simply could not be bothered to be one of those popular people and have found people actually like your way just fine!

Example:

‘My nan died’
‘Oh gosh, when mine died I was in bits’
‘How long ago was that’
‘Three years’
‘Mine died 3 hours ago, shall we prioritise’
‘Its the grief talking I know, so I will let that go, your right, are you okay’
‘Yes, she was fun though, she taught dogs how to do simple surgical procedures’
‘No she didn’t…’
‘ SHE WAS A WIZARD’

As you can see both lead too the same outcome, by making the individual realise their behaviour you can elli cite the desired conversation.

Disclaimer: don’t swear, as it doesn’t work and its not very nice, none of these are proven to work, just ask my ex, you might need a while though, he is prone to long outbursts about his ‘work’ while you explain that your nan has died.

There is no such thing as working from home…

This phrase, or indeed the phrase “oh i have a home office” are oxymoron’s be definition. This is coming from someone with 3 careers who finds themselves forced to work at home any moment i am not indeed “in the office” in any of my other jobs, so i know what i am talking about. Home is full of far to many distractions, comforts and annoyances that make an office environment a pointless errand. So here goes, my reasons why working from home is a modern myth: 

1. There is a fully stocked fridge: Anyone who claims to work from home must have an iron will or forced to buy food one day at a time, having a small branch of Tesco’s in your office does not lead to productivity, it leads to snacking… And baking.

2. You have no one to tell you to be productive: I work at home alone, and have no one to say “should you be getting on with that” or “i want those reports on my table!” And okay, i’ll admit a lot of why i don’t have this is because i am an actress and a writer so i am my own boss most of the time, but it does mean you have to have a level of anti-lazy genes. And yes, i just made up that medical term, artistic license, but you have to have that will to get out of bed before 10am in order to get all your work done…. Something, that many of us on a Sunday have trouble finding.

3. The internet: Something that plagues those with offices where they have to wear suites as much as those of us that clock in pre shower. There will always be another video of a cat, another Total Film article and another tweet to reply to.

4. The Horizontal office: Convincing yourself, having your laptop in bed with you with some work windows open while you catch up on some early morning Scrubs is in any way productive. 

5. You become suddenly very chatty on social networking: People can always tell when you are working from home, you suddenly want to know all about that loft extension, and just what DID he say after you said that and OH NO WAY, what an idiot he is, etc, etc.

6. You look like a slob: I mean, i am not the girliest of girls, but God forbid a man ever see’s me when i am working from home, it would be divorced or forced to shower immediately.