Princesses were hefty…

Bare with me, this I’m a Celebrity thing has really wound me up. Finding out an Olympic medalist is told by the public she is over weight! Who cares she is an Olympian! Anyone can be skinny she has done something barely anyone has done.

This has to stop, am I the only women in the world entirely happy with the way I look? I spent my teenage years and a lot of my early 20’s on a diet until I have up and put my health and guess what.

NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO ME.
I am still an actress, still get roles, I am still a funny writer and still have a wonderful family. Nothing will happen if you are not a size zero.
I feel I have gone back a 100 years where women still believe the way a man views them determines their trajectory in life.

It doesn’t, and saying no to that cake will not further you in your career. I am beautiful. I embrace every tiny imperfection on my body because it is mine, it makes me who I am and it tells my story.
From the bump in my nose to the scares on my knee from a drunken fall it’s mine and I adore every part of it.

And I still can’t make my peace with the idea we are teaching people that being skinny is more of a desirably achievement then a gold medal. I feel this madness has gone so far it’s gotten to the stage where it’s become part of society and that’s truly dangerous.

Women are beautiful in so many other ways, Adel’s voice wouldn’t be any more beautiful if she were a few ponds lighter, Jo Brand wouldn’t be any funnier if she fitted into a top shop dress and your world won’t end of you don’t wear a skirt quite as well as the girl advertising it in a magazine does.

The next time you scream ‘no I shouldn’t’ I suggest you consider how you would explain your waste of food to someone starving, how would they react to ‘oh I have to let this go to waste, you see, I need to fit into these skinny jeans! Oh why? Well because this magazine told me I had to’
Just take a moment and consider how stupid these actions are. Be healthy for god sake! Don’t eat 6 cakes a day but know that saying ‘oh go on then’ once in a while and God forbid letting that gym membership go to waste isn’t going to affect your success. If anything it’s an unnecessary distraction.

I live my own fairy tale, one where Rhianna isn’t a role model, where Cinderella is a size 14 and Prince Charming loves a women with a good backside. And you know what, I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. Because something does taste far better then skinny feels, and it’s happiness.

There’s an art to putting your foot in it.

To say sorry for being remarkably absent from my blog of late I thought I would give you what you are all here for! And no I don’t mean updates on the play, but it is going well ta for asking! I mean comedy.

So here it is. The Megan Reilly guide to accidentally insulting people. Now for most of you, this will act as a ‘oh thank God! It’s not just me’ type post. But for the rest of you, it’s a ‘how to’ guide to getting away with insulting others around you in an amusing way.

Now all of these were purely accidental on my behalf, I am just THAT thoughtless. But I hope those of you looking for a way to speak your mind to that one guy in the office who stinks, or that man at a bar who can’t, even with an accurate ordinance survey map, find your eyes, will find it below!

1: link it back to your own life! It’s not an insult if you are talking about yourself and accidentally commenting on the life of others! E.g being told a friend of yours has broken up with her boyfriend, you begin to discuss how sad songs make the situation infinity worse! So Bon Jovi always comes on the music player a work and you turn to her and say:
‘Oh God! Like this! If this came on and I broke up with someone it would be THE worst’

Accidentally but deliberately breaking the tension and reminding them there is much more to life. Like funny, soul destroying moments like this.

2: be casual! If you are going to accidentally insult you need to keep it casual! For example a friend of yours turns 23, Taylor Swifts ’22’ comes on the shuffle as you drink before a night out and you CASUALLY remind your friend:

‘Hey… You can’t sing this anymore’

The key to all of these is the quick apology and ‘realisation’ of what you have just said!

3: act innocent! Remember, even if you are pretending or in fact clueless like me. You had NO IDEA what you were saying was offensive. For example being in bed with your man lover. He turns to you and says ‘I think I have put on weight’ you INNOCENTLY reply:

‘I like how chubby you are’

Remember that was a compliment of sorts and stick with it, smiling sweetly and acting proud of just how kind you are!

Now not all of you are lucky like me, not all if you genuinely don’t see how insulting your meer presence can be, and for these people a degree of acting is necessary! To these people, good luck, and don’t expect a whole load of Christmas cards

There is no such thing as working from home…

This phrase, or indeed the phrase “oh i have a home office” are oxymoron’s be definition. This is coming from someone with 3 careers who finds themselves forced to work at home any moment i am not indeed “in the office” in any of my other jobs, so i know what i am talking about. Home is full of far to many distractions, comforts and annoyances that make an office environment a pointless errand. So here goes, my reasons why working from home is a modern myth: 

1. There is a fully stocked fridge: Anyone who claims to work from home must have an iron will or forced to buy food one day at a time, having a small branch of Tesco’s in your office does not lead to productivity, it leads to snacking… And baking.

2. You have no one to tell you to be productive: I work at home alone, and have no one to say “should you be getting on with that” or “i want those reports on my table!” And okay, i’ll admit a lot of why i don’t have this is because i am an actress and a writer so i am my own boss most of the time, but it does mean you have to have a level of anti-lazy genes. And yes, i just made up that medical term, artistic license, but you have to have that will to get out of bed before 10am in order to get all your work done…. Something, that many of us on a Sunday have trouble finding.

3. The internet: Something that plagues those with offices where they have to wear suites as much as those of us that clock in pre shower. There will always be another video of a cat, another Total Film article and another tweet to reply to.

4. The Horizontal office: Convincing yourself, having your laptop in bed with you with some work windows open while you catch up on some early morning Scrubs is in any way productive. 

5. You become suddenly very chatty on social networking: People can always tell when you are working from home, you suddenly want to know all about that loft extension, and just what DID he say after you said that and OH NO WAY, what an idiot he is, etc, etc.

6. You look like a slob: I mean, i am not the girliest of girls, but God forbid a man ever see’s me when i am working from home, it would be divorced or forced to shower immediately.  

So a little more about me.

It occurred to me that I actually haven’t told you very much about myself really. So thought I would put in the stats. Bellow is my face, it’s an okay face and has got me this far, thanks face.
I am a graduate, I studied film, and yes, thanks for asking it is a pretty useless degree! No joking aside I am film obsessed and spend a great deal of my time going to what I call my ‘art kid films’. Speaking of art I am an art kid, and a drama kid, most likely you will find me in a gallery or in a theatre. I am an actress, so I spend a great deal of my time practicing my craft and being involved in as many exciting new projects as possible. I am sarcastic around 90% of my waking hours and almost all of my sleeping hours (no joke apparently I look sarcastic in my sleep, not sure how but yeah that’s a thing apparently). I am, happily, single, at least I consider myself to be, and that’s all you will ever hear on that subject. Going on from this most of my friends are indeed male, which will explain a lot about my sense of humour I am sure. I plan to save up every penny I earn to visit Borneo and work with orangutangs, stupid I know but I am also obsessed with them. I have been writing comedy since I can remember, always written stories and made up silly comedy sketches, now I am trying to do it for a job.

And that’s it really.

IT’S DONE…

… Well the first draft of it is anyway.
The first draft of my comedy play Heroes for Hire is finally done! It’s been a good few months in the making and it’s safe to say, life, in anyway that it can, has tried to get in the way! As such I have decided to dedicate this post to listing the many ways I have found too distract myself from writing.

1. YouTube: most People use YouTube to look at funny videos of cats. Don’t get me wrong the hours I spend trawling through cats falling off of tables will hold a special place in my heart but I am talking about music videos specifically. And more specifically then that I am talking about the fact I am broke and therefore cannot afford to purchase music so therefore watch the latest tracks on line instead. Now as if it isn’t painfully obvious I am a drama queen, so a great deal of my procrastination process involves playing my latest ‘oh my god this is my jam, no really this was written about me’ song and singing along in my hairbrush or coming up with a poorly choreographed dance routine to said song.

2. Make friends with people who are as easily distracted as you are: ‘oh fancy going out?’ ‘shouldn’t you be working on your play?’ ‘Yeah your righ…. Oh wow look a bunny’ ‘no shit, look at that, oh you know what we should do?! Lets go to pets at home and look at the bunnies’

3. Have an unhealthy obsession to tea: I mean seriously unhealthy, if I had to pick between my loved ones and never drinking tea again I would seriously have to weigh up the pros and cons. This obsession makes for a nice break from staring at your ipad in vaine just trying to figure out how you are going to convince two actors that performing a whole 45 min play in Lycra under hot spotlights for no money is the best use of their summer.

4. Enjoy the finer things in life: and no I don’t mean designers, I am thinking more realistic finer things, so the things us normal people give themselves as a treat. For this I mean trips to London, or shopping or a dinner out. This provides ample opportunity for procrastination. And don’t just think about the treat itself, get creative, think things like ‘oh I will need an hour to get ready’ and ‘I couldn’t possibly write on the train’ and of course the classic ‘oh I had a glass (or 7) nothing I can possibly write will be funny once I am sober.

5. Be a struggling actress: though I recently received my first paid roll, thus giving me the well earned title of professional actress I am still a long way from that BAFTA red carpet. This provides a very good guilt free procrastination tool. I spend pretty much every hour I am not at work on set, auditioning or working on short film, television and theatre projects. ‘So how could I possibly have time to write?! I am after all striving tirelessly to build two substantial careers in the creative industry for myself’

When answering ‘red wine’ out of context is funny.

Example one.

So my brother looks over my shoulder at my i pad and asks ‘what are you on’ i assume, wrongly, not looking up he is talking about what i am drinking, because it its Sunday and of course i am drinking, reply innocently ‘red wine’

Example two.
My mother asks me if i would like something to eat when i get in from work. I miss hear her and reply, because it is Sunday and i am of course drinking, innocently ‘red wine’

Example three.
I am browsing netflix picking a movie for this evening and i look over at my glass. It is Sunday so of course i am drinking, i innocently type in ‘red wine’ to the search.

Example four.
I go to write a blog about how my play is going, it is Sunday so i am of course drinking and innocently write one about ‘red wine’ instead.

more from us

Things you quickly learn while you have the flu.

Basically over the last week, due to a young man who shall remain nameless i have had a very awful case of the flu. I am not a very good sick person as in my everyday life sitting still for more then half an hour is very difficult. So here is a list of things you quickly learn while you are bed ridden.

1. Plan ahead: Everything becomes a bargain with yourself and your illness, if you need to leave your bed for a cup of tea you find yourself thinking things such as the following “okay one more episode of gossip girl and then i will get up, maybe one and a half, OH MY GOD BLAIR KISSED DAN?! Okay this season and then i will get tea, oh wait its 8pm, my parents are home, they will bring me tea, i’m cool here” in turn you need to work out what you need within reaching distance so you dont need these bargains, these include things like Vix, tissues, OJ and your laptop.

2. No one cares that you are sick. No one wants to hear about it on Twitter so just stop. Okay, really stop, alright maybe one more tweet to really hit home the fact that the end is close.

3. Everything makes you emotional. So stop yourself from watching TV, Films or Adverts  that might make you cry, as crying when you have a blocked up nose is just not attractive. Oddly for me this includes a Jeremy Kyle ban, which apparently i really relate to when i am feverish.

4. Netflix is the best thing ever invented. No really, thank you.

5. You suddenly become funny. Having all day to sit and think about responses and possible comic moments means you are suddenly the queen of dry wit, if you are writing a play say use this time wisely and write your heart out. Oh a play you say? Why yes i am writing a play, and yes this blog shamelessly promotes that fact! Its name? Heroes for Hire, stay tuned for more updates.

6. Do not trust the above statement. As you are running a high fever and have been copped up with little to no human contact for the past three days anything you do write probably needs to be checked and re-written when you are not contagious.

7. Find someone to blame for your illness that isnt you. So what i spent the weekend downing Tequila on a bender with my Uni friends, wearing very little, bumping and grinding and only sleeping 10 hours in a  few days. That has absolutely nothing to do with the fact you now have the Flu, nothing, no it is YOU who is to blame! Not me and my life choices.

8. Your phone becomes your “Wilson”. If you have seen Castaway you will know the reference. If you dont here is a quick run down, Wilson is a football, that Tom Hanks talks to while he is going bat shit crazy marooned on a desert island.

9. Never, underestimate the power of tea. We Brits love our tea and its ability to make everything better is legendary, i always favored wine as a more sensible option for lifes woes but as i am on so much medication wine is not an option as it is likely to floor me or make me hallucinate so i have given in to the powers of tea.

And

10. You will inevitably be ill on the busiest week of the month. So a certain amount of “manning the hell up” will be necessary.

 

 

Ikea

Is an addiction, and I can’t for the life of me work out why.
In all due respect to a shop I completely adore it simply shouldn’t work. Working in the service industry I have learnt one thing about the public, and that is that if given the choice, they will always want to pay someone to do it for them, whatever ‘it’ may be.
So how does ikea work?! I mean essentially you walk around a show room where you can’t actually pick out anything that you want, you have to write down names and codes and measurements to go and search through, what I can only describe as a maze, to load it onto your trolly yourself and que in a check out only to be told that the item you spent 20 mins trying to get into the trolly is the wrong way round and they cannot scan it so you have to move it yourself.
There is, I feel only one explanation to way this store is so popular, the tiny pencils.
Now stay with me here because this is about to get good.
Basically the only thing the public love more then getting someone else to do something for them is something free, and ikea have got this down to an art. A pencil, isn’t flashy, it isn’t obvious but it’s a kind of souvenir, everyone has an Ikea pencil in their home somewhere, and there is no limit on the amount that you can take which I must say my mother puts fully to the test. And then they take these pencils and make them invaluable, they are necessary to write down all the names of products with that you have spent so much time searching for yourself, that you can then pick up you have to wait until later to find them all over again but this time in a cold warehouse.
Then there’s the meatballs, which are foul, but they are Swedish meatballs or at least claim to be, which the comedian in me cannot say no to a mouthful of (cheeky)

So how is the play going?

Very well thanks for asking! Today I have spent most of the day working out if a French maid costume over a superhero costume will be to hot on stage and worked out some punchy one liners, I have also nearly finished act one and I am also up to the point where I introduce the villain! Going spend the rest of my day working out good villain names and I am not sure about the one I have at the moment, want it to be something a little more current and less bond like.

Still hoping to be complete by march which is actually scarily only a few months away!!!

Days off

When your young, a weekend is this magical thing that seems to last forever and that is full of possibility and potential.
This quickly ends around the age of 18 and days off become a rare thing, much like some kind of rare exotic animals, you wait and wait to get your hands on it and then suddenly when you do finally have one you have absolutely no idea what to do with it, And before you know it, it’s 3pm on your only day off of the week and all you have done that day is to shower and see just how many hats you can wear at once. (Interestingly the answer here is 5 it may have been more if I hadn’t of run out of hats)
Basically I work full time, and on my days off I either write, blog or partake in an activity called immobility which is where I see just how many household chores I can do while sitting down (interestingly here the answer is most, hoovering however is a little tricky)
Today however is one of those rare exotic animal days though, where I have gotten up relatively early and have no idea what to actually do with my day. So I have decided to set myself some challenges so, well you know , I don’t die of boredom and answer the niggling question in the back of my head as to just how long would it take me to alphabetise my entire room.

Challenge 1:
Finish act one of my play.
Fairly straight forward I just have to get into my ‘funny zone’ which mainly consists of getting the bus into town and enjoying just how much comedy inspiration there is in Essex. Which is, a great deal, last time I used this technique I spotted a man driving around a large roundabout on a mobility scooter with a can of special brew in his hand laughing to himself.

Challenge 2:
Budget.
Not only is this sensible but this is painfully necessary, one thing you will learn quickly through this blog is my inability to stop shopping. It is like crack to me. I have money but I am saving for my own bacherlorette pad which I then intend to fill with cats and vodka, obviously far apart from each other as drunk cats are both irresponsible and a waste of vodka.

Challenge 3
Do not fight with parents.
By far my Everest of the day. I love my family, they are fabulously eccentric and interesting people, however living with a reject from a Tim Burton film (my brother) queen of flirtation (my mother) and a man who is unashamedly going through his mid life crisis (my dad, which I am actually more in favour of now that he brought himself a jag) can be a little tasking. Also, in case I haven’t made it painfully obvious yet I am a bit of a drama queen which does add fuel to the fire some what.

So that’s the plan.